My 33rd venture around the sun in Aquarius

Photo by Brannon Naito on Unsplash

I feel…meh. I feel like I’ve abandoned this blog because I really can’t discern if my emotions are my own or based solely on external factors. More recently, death sadness sickness and sorrow. Last year I supported two friends at funerals. My funeral attendance is now at 8. Two weeks ago my family lost again, back in Trinidad. Today as I write this a close friend is burying her grandpa. But it’s different these days. I walked into my birthday brunch celebration yesterday to be rocked with crazy, unbelievable news reports about someone I just heard in my ear Friday afternoon. I listened to a motivational video that featured Kobe. Man, the man loved to inspire. And so do I. The feelings I feel is like people I need are just being removed. I also added him to my longlist of investors to pitch my prospectus too. It is a very long list and a very thick prospectus. John Singleton was on it too. Mentally, it’s like a void. But I guess that is life. We go from one space to another and what we think about helps me find our way. I try to stay positive regardless of it all. I do not accept negative thoughts at all. If they come, as they will, I do not allow them to fester. It can soon turn into an ugly infestation. Our heart aches for the emotional burdens of others. We hold it. We post it. We share it. We take it in. We rarely let it all go.

Photo by Olivier Collet on Unsplash

We are also in the midst of an Impeachment that has already changed the trajectory of this country’s political future and has put our freedoms as Americans in jeopardy. Since last year I’ve been practicing “turn it off” which is basically pausing passions, I have so many. I used to get extremely overwhelmed, anxious, insomnia, and have breakdowns. What I now understand through therapy and my own personal examination is that you can only lose control with your own permission. I danced too many times with the devil. I stay out the dark space not matter how powerful it feels. By practicing turning off, I allowed myself to enter a lane of driving much slower while still feeling comfortable with my speed. I guess after a few crashes you learn 😄. A reminder to us all that were either in denial, working on a recovery, or heading towards a relapse.

Life is about trying to maintain balance. We hear this multiple times a day though so I’ll take it a little deeper. Balance could be, taking a complete year off after 7 years of non stop movements. Alright I only took 6 months but it was still needed. You have to spend time nurturing whatever’s been neglected. For some it’s friends. For others it’s family. For parents perhaps children. For most it’s your life partner. I took 6 months off from that too. He stayed in L.A. and I lived in Brooklyn. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. In marriage it allows for reflection. Did I jump the gun? What does marriage look like? Was Tina right, what’s love got to do with it? There’s no real answers, only what you choose to move forward with. Open lines of communication is needed however. I don’t want you to think it’s hard, but it requires maturity. I digress. I realized that this right here, writing things out, is my purpose. The pen is mightier than the sword. Words can cause damage. It can also change your life. But my most favorite part is how we all string different words together the way we see fit. It’s our message. It gives each individual power. I started writing lyrics or rhymes or bars, I’m still not really sure but in my head it’s really lyrical storytelling back in L.A. My studio exposure helped channel a lot of that energy. I had been playing with this alter in my head for a while, and with a little help from my ratchet friends, Tee Slaves is here. An obvious play on my maternal name, I feel like my call to freedom was sent by my ancestors. Walking around with slave master names means we have played into the system too, if I’m going to be slave I might as well own it, no? Get it, owning slaves, hehe. The messages and themes addressed in my lyrics and discography reflects the same things I say on Snapchat, IG, Twitter, and Facebook, Black empowerment and truth exposure. It’s really a form of therapy that I’ve hidden. Now people hear two lines off 2020., my single, and they’re like nah… you’re super talented, are you trying to get signed? Overwhelmed is an understatement but again, I turn it off. I want to do well but I’m so happy just letting things flow. I did a whole Kanye rant on how the need for perfection is holding so many back from pursing new things. I say throw yourself in and shake it off.

What else hmm let’s see, oh I’m shooting my first dramatic short that I wrote last year. It’s about mental health, specifically suicide. Writing what I understand and my experiences help me deal with reality. After going through group talk therapy, I met so many beautiful dark souls. It’s the inspiration behind the script. I held my first table reading earlier in January. I’m applying every lesson learned in La La Land. I pray everyday that my dream life turns into my reality. I hope your working, praying, talking, balancing, loving, living, and turning it off too.

Until next time people Xoxo T

Rest In Peace Black Mamba 🏀

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