Wanting More Whilst Feeling Unsettled- An Essay.

I read about three “12 minute reads” on Medium before coming here. A blank slate. One a day like today, I want to feel something, something big. I want to feel important yet I want to be left alone. I want to feel engaged but I’m not in the mood to deal with other people’s…mood. Nonetheless, I yearn for an emotion that feels warm. I instantly scan my thoughts via each category that I have compartmentalized in my mind. My dream world is the creative category. It is filled with well, dreams. The stuff that only I can see but everyone hears about because I’ve trained myself to speak my future into existence. It is the undone task list. It’s where ideas are birthed and killed off. Besides dealing with upgrading my editing software and mastering new equipment, that’s not really making me feel anything but indifferent. Next category, let’s try ‘home life’ for 200 please Alex. Also indifference, I can’t afford to go anywhere else and I have a quote unquote savings plan that is working pretty well. A tad bit of frustration arises here when I focus on how it makes me feel but that is a permanent mood until I get my own space. Moving along to the compartment I perhaps knew where the problems were hiding all along but wasn’t too sure, the relationship category. This one is split right down the middle. It’s where I think about myself and where I think about us. First, the us. It’s funny because as a whole our relationship feels regular, but in reality it is so far from an easy life. We were separated for 8 months, one living in Los Angeles the other in New York. Now we are back on the same coast. Ever since we got married I’ve named this current climate as Phase Two- Building the nest. Not just the aspect of family and birthing children, but more of a stable grounding for ourselves. We have been fortunate to discover a spiritual home within each other. We now need a physical home, an actual nest, a place to make our own family memories and plant traditions. It’s been rough. I told him my next goal is to have a really big wedding that E! News is going to want to cover. That’s where the marriage life crosses over into the creative/work life. I want to do so much more. When I met the man I was twenty-three years old. Fresh out of college and zero, I mean recession zero prospects. He gave me hope. More so, he helped established a plan forward. That plan ended in Hollywood and a new formation began to take hold. Are we going to make it in our careers whilst maintaining this relationship? Marriage seemed like the safest most honest path we could walk down. Asking God and the Universe to guide us towards the same road even though we are still walking alone. Moving to Los Angeles helped me to see that I really did not need all the people and things I thought I did. All I needed was a partner. Someone who is strong enough to catch me if I ever fall, and I fell….hard.

I look back at how far the woman’s movement has taken us. There are days where I try to pretend that I could be a housewife and mother. But is that all? What would that look like? What would happen to all of my thoughts? What would happen to all of my goals and dreams? Do I just raise beautiful looking children and protect them? Is that why I was born? As a woman, and I say this sheepishly because I still honestly feel like a kid at times, but as a female 32 year old there are so many crossroads we face internally. I knew I was more mature than most of my peers growing up but I also knew I wanted to live a meaningful life. A life that was based on love, happiness, and substance. As I grew I understood, having freedom is not something other’s give, it’s something you take. I yearn to live freely. It comes at a risk. The outcome looks mostly unstable. So, how can one find stability in wanting to live carefree? Well I can tell you it begins with killing off all self-doubt. It continues with finding the right recipe of people to surround yourselves with. I noticed in L.A., the newly homeless inhabitants had to sort of get initiated onto a new block or tent section as I called it. Even when you are at your lowest, you need people who understand. We do not make it in this World alone. After, you’ve figured out the right people, you need to protect yourself from the wrong kinds. Ten years ago you would never hear me speak about energy or vibes. I was not in tuned. I was only partially walking in my purpose. It has now become a motto for the social media generation. It doesn’t mean more people are walking in their purpose, it just means the exposure rate for good energy is lifting higher and our overall consciousness as a global community has risen.

I feel for the world right now. The current state of just living and understanding each other despite our personal differences is something we are struggling with. I spend my days on Twitter, searching for those who oppose me, looking for a way to bridge real conversations and gear them towards positive change. It’s been rough. I write all of this say if you have been feeling like your emotions are all over the place and then suddenly you don’t have any at all, you’re not alone. I am right there with you.